Coward

I feel my thoughts are on auto control. My mind is not at all disciplined enough to ignore the things that come through one ear and out the other and lately it's really been doing a number on Me! Why am I letting the negativity of the world account for my happiness or sadness?
It's not circumstances I myself have personally experienced, not the bullsh*t teenagers most give all their time and energy over, (although I have experienced this crap as well).. I is the atmosphere in which I am living. The Un-Godly World! The drama I'm viewing daily. My Soul My Life the Love I have for myself My faith and trust in God. I feel that it is hard to escape the cruelties of this world especially when you are a sensitive young woman trying to find herself. It feels like putting together the most complicating puzzle in the world.

Something that I am certain of is through *His* eyes I am an innocent child of God. Not the undecided woman who doesn't know who she is. Feelings of insecurities do not ponder in *His* mind because he knows I am perfect through him. Where as I see myself being cloned into what the world programs me to be. In other words A spitting image of my fellow being. In my heart I know I am unique, worthy and strong enough to face the battles that God wants me to overcome but I feel like the cowardly lion shaking when it is time to face my battle.

Lately I have been feeling my Spirit calling on me to act Righteousness and Good. It is SO hard to be this way especially in an atmosphere where Fear, Hate, Ignorance, and Judgement is all thrown into the pot. To end intimate relationships with those who do not feed the goodness in my life and to let go of physical desires and attractions. I constantly find myself thinking negatively and desiring materialistic possessions and artificial emotions because I am so scared to trust in this spirit that is reminding me day-by-day to put down the shield that is guarding my heart and to trust in *His* Love to shelter me from harm.

I always bring myself to thinking of Jesus and how the "Crowd" was so Vile in treating him. I Cannot imagine how Jesus must have felt when he was treated so harshly at the time of his death. Dying for the sinners who abandon him, beat him, stripped him, laughed at him. Through Love he forgave them and died for *My* sins. So Why Is it so hard to die for my own?

I guess I am a coward, But I do know that I have Courage running through my veins because God is calling on me through the spirit for a reason. He is constantly in the back of my mind reminding me that I must pray, act in goodness, feed my spirit, meditate, love my enemies, and let go of certain circumstances and relationships.

I do not know what God's plan is for me and at times I do not feel the spirit running through me although I know it is there because I can feel it when I am acting in such a way that consoles the spiritual nature of myself. My struggles lie within ignoring God because my EGO-tistical nature is leading me into the paths of what I want to do and when I want to do it. But God never gives up on me because in the back of my mind I know that he wants me to serve him in a way that I know pleases him and I. Sometimes I do not even know where to begin. So personal renewal begins with my actions in dedicating myself to the one who I owe it all to, for the one who cares most, and Loves me in a way that I will never be loved here on Earth by No Man. I Wish more people would see how urgent it is to dedicate our lives over to *His* will is and to walk in his footsteps. We would all be living with feelings of fullness and Unconditional Love and in the end isn't that what everyone Seeks?

Morgan Olivia