I need to begin my next blog for mindyourmind a website that reaches out to young adults dealing with mental health probles. People who may be struggling and coping with challenges in life. As it says on the website a place to get "Unstuck".
Personal Story.I had a break down at school today. Not a complete break down just shed some tears in front of the librarian & spoke about the struggles I am currently going through. Sometimes I think I'm going insane completely and it's unbelievable because I don't understand how I got this way. It all started last summer with hot and cold sweats at the same time, and not to mention the midnight terrors waking up sweating and shaking in the night. I thought I had a demon in me or something was trying really hard to posses my body so I prayed hard. My first panic attack. It was horrible I was walking down the street and my heart started pounding out of my chest. I thought every car with someone in it was trying to kidnap me and do terrible things to me. I thought right there and then I was about to do one of two things, 1) Freak out while crossing the street and get hit by a car. Or 2) Pass out right there outside on the sidewalk surrounded by strangers on York Street, downtown London Ontario. I was horrified. I was just innocently getting out of the gym and walking to meet my mom and sister and without warning experienced my first panic attack. From then on I couldn't stop thinking about the cause. I realize that my Nonno suffers from bi-polar disorder and my uncles are drug abusers but I never thought any of that would be passed on to me through a severe panic attack out of the blue? Then I questioned my genetics. Maybe I have some of whatever my grandfather has. My dad tells me when he was younger his father used to wake up in the middle of the night yelling and screaming out thinking people were out to get him. I experienced this at a younger age but never made anything of it.
I never wanted to admit that I had something genetically unbalanced in my brain. I didn't want to seem weird. To think differently. But I do, I have had panic attacks and I encounter anxiety frequently. I suffered major depression when I began high school though I never knew the cause of my sadness. My parents had a divorce? It was 6-7 years ago I should be over it what the hell was making me so sad? What a weird life to live when you are always sad! I still don't know 100% if it's caused by chemicals in my brain or if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. But I do know that sometimes medicine isn't always the best cure for people. When I told my doctor about my symptoms he diagnosed me with Citalopram, just a small dose” he said. I'm more of a natural remedy person so I took the meds but I felt even crazier and aggressive. I still woke up in the middle of the night with my mind racing and hearing voices in my head making me feel bad about myself. Why Does this happen? I wondered.
I researched online that the duration of a panic attack depends on the person, for me it continued sporadically throughout the day. I feared when the sun went down, sometimes I stayed up all night without sleeping, reading or drawing to try and take my mind off my unrealistic fears. I believe it to be one of the most distressing conditions that a person can experience. I began praying to God to help me get through this and I prayed that he may take this burden off my shoulders. Now before I speak of God I know that some people have their own personal opinions on Religion and I guess for some no religion or grounds for belief at all. I guess for some it works this way? But for me I need a positive motive to look forward to, especially the thought of a perfect Heaven. I believed God could help me get through this. I met my boyfriend during the same period and his parents were Christians. His father was a pastor and I explained to him what I was going through and he prayed for me. He told me that anything is possible through God if you pray hard and mean it from the bottom of your heart. I really just wanted my anxieties to go away along with all negative thinking! So the next night terror I had I focused deeply on thinking of a light and a good feeling created from the heart. I prayed to the God who I believe created us. The Shelter away from all fear. The Compassionate & Kind God. The one who sent His Son to Save me God. The generous God. The forgiving God. I prayed so hard I got a painful sensation in my head and all of a sudden it was completely blank. I wasn't scared and my mind wasn't racing like a computer with a million pop-ups because it has gotten a virus. For that moment I didn't have any thought, I was blank. No fear. I went to sleep finally.
Now that a year has gone by I still have negative thoughts pass through my mind occasionally and at times it really freaks me out. But at the back of my mind I know that these attacks don't have full control over me because God does. If I focus completely on him I won't be scared or living in fear. I just have to focus on him more and it's really hard especially when your a teenager because you have so many other things going on in your life. I deeply sympathize with people who suffer from any kind of mental disorder because it is really hard to cope with. Although my advice to those who suffer from what I did I advise you to pray hard. Just believe that your faith is stronger then anything else in your body. Your faith is the control system of your words, your actions & of your life.
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