Faith Is Fresh

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Let your light shine bright

Getting waken up early in the morning on a weekend isn't the best, thanks to my bf who woke me up leaving to work. No school today because it's a P.D. day yay! I couldn't get back to sleep anyways so I began browsing the web searching new bohemian summer looks and came across ethnic Kimono dresses. Absolutely beautiful & unique patterns that bring out the roots in different cultures I guess you could say lol! I need a different look this year so I'm experimenting & I was thinking dresses all summer long? Flowy and less sticky esp. in the hot summers sun. Fresh Look though I like the middle one most the contrast with her skin makes it look so orginal.

I feel like making a list of random things. I love making lists.

• Is there such a thing as couples who are problem free? Joy without pain.
  
• I want a room where there is an old window with a lot of light shinning through. I window in the same room as my office where I write lovely stories and for inspiration I would look out of the window.

• I want to start my own inspiration board of all the beautiful things that will make me happy in life.

• Discovering what my passion in life is. Something I will never grow old of. Something I will continue to pursue.
• Paint a really stunning piece of art.
  
• Get my drivers license.
  
• Meditate once a day. Freeing my mind & making myself an individual from everyone else.
• Sing in a Choir.
• FEARLESS!
• Eventually stop eating meat.
• Even thought my mom thinks its a waste of monet living in an appartment I have always wanted to live in a really chic loft.
• Becoming an Independent woman one day like my mom.
  
• Finally coming Closer to God & letting releasing all of my fears. Developing spiritually and mentally with him.
  

Mind Your Mind: A Personal Journal

I need to begin my next blog for mindyourmind a website that reaches out to young adults dealing with mental health probles. People who may be struggling and coping with challenges in life. As it says on the website a place to get "Unstuck".

Personal Story.
I had a break down at school today. Not a complete break down just shed some tears in front of the librarian & spoke about the struggles I am currently going through. Sometimes I think I'm going insane completely and it's unbelievable because I don't understand how I got this way. It all started last summer with hot and cold sweats at the same time, and not to mention the midnight terrors waking up sweating and shaking in the night. I thought I had a demon in me or something was trying really hard to posses my body so I prayed hard. My first panic attack. It was horrible I was walking down the street and my heart started pounding out of my chest. I thought every car with someone in it was trying to kidnap me and do terrible things to me. I thought right there and then I was about to do one of two things, 1) Freak out while crossing the street and get hit by a car. Or 2) Pass out right there outside on the sidewalk surrounded by strangers on York Street, downtown London Ontario. I was horrified. I was just innocently getting out of the gym and walking to meet my mom and sister and without warning experienced my first panic attack. From then on I couldn't stop thinking about the cause. I realize that my Nonno suffers from bi-polar disorder and my uncles are drug abusers but I never thought any of that would be passed on to me through a severe panic attack out of the blue? Then I questioned my genetics. Maybe I have some of whatever my grandfather has. My dad tells me when he was younger his father used to wake up in the middle of the night yelling and screaming out thinking people were out to get him. I experienced this at a younger age but never made anything of it.

I never wanted to admit that I had something genetically unbalanced in my brain. I didn't want to seem weird. To think differently. But I do, I have had panic attacks and I encounter anxiety frequently. I suffered major depression when I began high school though I never knew the cause of my sadness. My parents had a divorce? It was 6-7 years ago I should be over it what the hell was making me so sad? What a weird life to live when you are always sad! I still don't know 100% if it's caused by chemicals in my brain or if it's just my mind playing tricks on me. But I do know that sometimes medicine isn't always the best cure for people. When I told my doctor about my symptoms he diagnosed me with Citalopram, just a small dose” he said. I'm more of a natural remedy person so I took the meds but I felt even crazier and aggressive. I still woke up in the middle of the night with my mind racing and hearing voices in my head making me feel bad about myself. Why Does this happen? I wondered.

I researched online that the duration of a panic attack depends on the person, for me it continued sporadically throughout the day. I feared when the sun went down, sometimes I stayed up all night without sleeping, reading or drawing to try and take my mind off my unrealistic fears. I believe it to be one of the most distressing conditions that a person can experience. I began praying to God to help me get through this and I prayed that he may take this burden off my shoulders. Now before I speak of God I know that some people have their own personal opinions on Religion and I guess for some no religion or grounds for belief at all. I guess for some it works this way? But for me I need a positive motive to look forward to, especially the thought of a perfect Heaven. I believed God could help me get through this. I met my boyfriend during the same period and his parents were Christians. His father was a pastor and I explained to him what I was going through and he prayed for me. He told me that anything is possible through God if you pray hard and mean it from the bottom of your heart. I really just wanted my anxieties to go away along with all negative thinking! So the next night terror I had I focused deeply on thinking of a light and a good feeling created from the heart. I prayed to the God who I believe created us. The Shelter away from all fear. The Compassionate & Kind God. The one who sent His Son to Save me God. The generous God. The forgiving God. I prayed so hard I got a painful sensation in my head and all of a sudden it was completely blank. I wasn't scared and my mind wasn't racing like a computer with a million pop-ups because it has gotten a virus. For that moment I didn't have any thought, I was blank. No fear. I went to sleep finally.

Now that a year has gone by I still have negative thoughts pass through my mind occasionally and at times it really freaks me out. But at the back of my mind I know that these attacks don't have full control over me because God does. If I focus completely on him I won't be scared or living in fear. I just have to focus on him more and it's really hard especially when your a teenager because you have so many other things going on in your life. I deeply sympathize with people who suffer from any kind of mental disorder because it is really hard to cope with. Although my advice to those who suffer from what I did I advise you to pray hard. Just believe that your faith is stronger then anything else in your body. Your faith is the control system of your words, your actions & of your life.

Thought of the day: What makes a good writer?

The woman seems so Lost In Thought.
Fearless Woman with the Moons Blessing.
She Knows the answer Just doesn't understand how to apply it.

Thoughts of a Pisces

I hate it when you suddenly have a great idea pop into your head in which you were going to write about. Although once you get to the computer you forget completely what you were going to express.
I often have days like this.
Today was a weird day. I felt completely off track and I woke up feeling like I was still dreaming so my whole day felt like a dream. Am I crazy or does that ever happen to you too?
I was researching some fashion during marketing class and came across Alexander McQueen omgsh totally in love with his fashion style it's so unusual and appeals to me completely. I was observing people when I was on the bus to school today and people are so..What's the word for it? Umm socially unavailable. Especially the university kids they are so consumed with artificial things. It's so hard living in this world consumed by media, fashion, technology, education! A means for disaster. Not one person my age will ever look you in the eye and send you a warm fuzzy smile. No one passes on that positive energy to one another, Why is this? I mean I guess it's cool we have all these available resources to us but I feel like we are obsessed and dependent completely on the things that keep our minds racing. I've noticed myself becoming scared of how life would be without being available 24.7. I wish I lived somewhere peaceful so I could free my mind from this stressful way of living. I go to school for an education. Not knowing what I want to do with my life but limiting myself because I feel so damn unable from the rest of them because I know it's all a competition and there are of course people way smarter then me. I try my best to think positive and to feel great about myself but I continue school. A place where all emotion exists. Good and Bad. I feel like a drifter completely. Then from there I work my ass off to get somewhere like University. I take classes that will help me make a living. I get money and I spend it on things like this computer. Where I waste most of my life typing to people about things I like. Mind you people I've never met. Nor do I even know.

I just find it exhausting, putting on a new mask every single day. Trying so hard to find MYSELF & who I am but I'm still so confused with little direction.

Reasons why

Today is me and my boyfriends 10 months spent together yay!! It's not 10 years or even a year yet but I thought it was an even number TWO whole hands! Feeling as though it was necessary to blog about it. When I asked him what I should write my next blog about he answered: "Write about how much you love me". Lol So I agreed. To some this may be overly cheesy and affectionate but it expresses the best way in words how much I appreciate and love my man.

This is titled "Reasons Why I Love You"

1. I love you because you make me feel So special amongst a crowd of people.
I remember our first date when I asked you to come to belleza latina with me as my date. You made me feel so special because there were so many beautiful Spanish girls competing to win but your eyes were in my direction only looking into mine throughout the whole night. That was the night when you said you loved me & since that night I've been falling deeper and deeper in love with you as well.

2. You hold me in your arms tightly when I'm feeling low and tell me everything is going to be alright.
Before we started living together I remember when you used to come over to my house everyday during the summer. You used to wake up early in the mornings and take the bus to my house then walk up the hill even if it was really hot out. I tried to make myself as beautiful as possible for you. & I used to anticipate the moment you would walk into my bedroom after a long walk up the hill. You were usually really sweaty so I would wipe you off with a cold towel. I held you in my arms and talk about everything that was on our mind. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk I enjoy your company so much. You quickly became my best friend and the most trusted person in my life. I would tell you everything & you opened up to me and did the same.

3. Your presence is a heavenly essence.
Remember the time we went to williams together? I was hanging out with Isabel before I met with you and I was telling her how nervous I was to hang out with you - Reason why I "ditched" you three times before we actually hung out with one another was because I was scared. I was so happy but nervous to see you. I thought you were So Special. Your smile made my heart melt and I wanted to be close to you. We met up at williams and I remember how quiet the whole date was. At first I honestly thought that you were not interested in me anymore because you weren't talking to me and you seemed bored. So I tried talking to You as much as possible and it worked. We then went to your car because you were going to drive me home and you showed me this mandala you made because I made one you thought it was cool to make one for me. I loved your art and I was so happy that you were artistic. We arrived at my house and talked for a bit, I introduced you to my family and before you left I had the idea that I wanted to kiss you. I was so shy my heart was pounding but I had enough courage to go in for the kiss before you left me. I said "Are you forgetting something?" & you kissed me back. I was SO happy that day.

4. The Love letter you wrote.
You wrote me a letter expressing how you felt about me and now that I think back on our memories you were so romantic with me. My heart melted when you read me that letter because I remember you cried for me. I knew then that this Love was serious.

5. When I realized I loved you.
I realized I couldn't be without you. When school started I went to your house everyday after school and thought about you during classes. I wanted to see you everyday and my wish came true because now we live together and it has been 10 months. I Love you because you accept me for who I am & who I'm not. You help me figure me out a little better and you keep me moving. I know your hard on me sometimes but your my motivation!

Within ten months we know eachother and I pray baby that our love will not fade away. Now I know you completely and you are a part of my life and I still feel the same for you. When I think of my future I think of you in it also. What I do also revolves around you.

6. & When it rains it pours, we have our ups and downs. We Fight we break up to make up and that is all it really ever is.

7. I Love you with all my heart and I'm proud of being with such a man with qualities I have always wished to posess.

8. Your the positive part of my day. You are ambitious and intellectual. You like to talk about philosophies with me. You are loving, caring, accepting.

9. I Love you cause you are the Truth - Said he is so real & I love the way that you make me feel & If I am a reflection of him. Then I must be fly because his light it shines so Bright I wouldn't lie. No.

Love Morgan

Dreams

I am in love with Moroccan inspired design! It is so natural and the ambiance is magical, peaceful and irresistible. I think in this surrounding I can easily listen carefully to the melodies Sade and practice on breathing and serenity. It's an area to dream and to let go of everything. Just to be.
I am inspired by the neutral colours with the red, orange, and golds.
Absolutely love this design.

ALSO
Not so Moroccan but I also enjoy the modern side of things. The white is fresh and the bold colours really define this room. I love the shape of the windows.Stunning bedroom designs. Tranquility at it's best. Especially the last one Love decorates the bedroom. I like the curtains falling down at the side of the bed very romantic.
Imagine this balcony right outside the doors of your apartment villa. So precious. I love this because it is so fresh and brings serenity into the air. I could easily pull up a chair and read from finish to end a long book on a day like this, sipping on something fruity. Love it!